Maybe you can tell me what it is to be a lover. Even if I am no longer apart of this new found trend.

"Give up your soul to me, give up your God for me, give up the world for me, but most of all give up your voice."

That is what a man would tell me as his kisses became my sickness because he was eating away my innocence. He was stripping me from everything I knew as I was only a child to never take in what the Lord has given.

His hands are moving too fast and I do not know what to do, what to say because these feelings are nothing more but a simple explosion of a motion that only animals do.

"Shush it won't be too long."

He is whispering softly into my ear as I am trembling out of pure fear because I do not want this happening. Little can be said or done when your body is gashing red and you are too terrified to fight back because you may end up dead because the monster feeds upon your flesh.

My heart is screaming, my purity is diluting, and I am only fucking the devil's idol hands. The devils idol hands, the devils idol hands to creep inside into my mind and leave the only witness to see forever through these eyes but blood stained satin sheets.

His kisses are my executioner to forever walk me through the valley of the shadow of death.

His kisses are my epiphany to know what is and what is not a fantasy.

His kisses are my sickness, they are my weakness, they are my nightmare.

(sigh) were never going to be with each other. ;_;

;_;

I went to the pool today, I have a tan... AHHH! o_o

Ah well, I no longer look like a Cloud. =P I look awesome in a bikini. ^_^

I do not feel real anymore. I can hardly even take in what is happening with myself. I feel as if I do not have any strength left in me to find what I want anymore. Because, whatever I do want slips away so suddenly. Lol, this is one hell of emo going in this entry. Then again we all have our moments.

I do not want to wait anymore and I am afraid of letting go of this dream. I am so scared because I only thought of this as my personal savior and now it is fading. My love for music seems to grow dim with each passing year. My passion to create something beautiful just for the sake of that simple wonder is fading. And, I am afraid of that. Terribly afraid...

I am tired of treating myself as second best for anyone. I do not want to end up as something that I fear the most. I cannot be a fading memory and forget who I am. Why I had found such passion and love for something. I should not let that fade and if I do I am a fool. I should not allow my emotions to take away from something that gives me hope. My only friend was music and I do not want it to die.

It is alright if I do this on my own. I used to want to be happy and I thought it was with having friends. Because, I am originally lost and do not know what to do with myself. So, I hang out with anyone. Not caring and that is what destroys me. I am done of treating myself like this. I want a future and I got to get a hold of myself before it is too late. Before that fire goes out and the one thing that I actually enjoyed about myself vanishes.